What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong