@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

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@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

@noogscorner

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

@all_about_today

Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.

@huntigula

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@discountzen

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

@LuvPug

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.