What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill


My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.


Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage


“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.


“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”


Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.


*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize


Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”


wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him


me: ok so your mom’s a narc