@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

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@skedaddle74

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

@joe_binkley

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

@Quartzjixler

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@DothTheDoth

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

@thatstings

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@heybuddy_comic

wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him

[later]

me: ok so your mom’s a narc