@shkeeber: You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.

@psybermonkey: [First date] Her: I love to travel. Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.

@louisvirtel: The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: "You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep." -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

@ibid78: [raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much