five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning