[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
somebody come look at this
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!