Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I鈥檓 just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I鈥檓 just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Sure I鈥檒l donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
HER: let鈥檚 be open about how we really feel. I鈥檒l go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don鈥檛 want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
the clam before the storm
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I doubt my humanity the most when I鈥檓 trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: I鈥檓 going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that鈥檚 a last date. That鈥檚 how people get murdered.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never