What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else


Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.


I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.


GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee


I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.


I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.


Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.


“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.


When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?