@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

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@chuuew

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@SkippyMcGizzard

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

@ShutUpThatsWho

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

@Chelle_Coops

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

@TEXASVETERAN

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

@Divergentmama

“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.

@funnyordie

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?