@dannyboy7813
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
@ObiWanPunobi
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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@dannyboy7813
@AnitaHelmet
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
@krustythe_klown
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
@just1fool
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
@ElleOhHell
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
@thetigersez
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
@spies_please
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
@AdamBroud
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
@heatherlou_
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.