@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

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@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@krustythe_klown

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@ElleOhHell

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@AdamBroud

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.