What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Storm Tropical Storm
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.