What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!