“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.