@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

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@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@Burnam1

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

@wequiwa

If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@jazz_inmypants

MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂

[later]

BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me