Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂
BED BUG: *tries to bite me*
ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no
BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me