What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Cheer up.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.