Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.
God: then you become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the “rest”
Caterpillar: how long
Caterpillar: how long God
Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
me : * dont let them know how awkward you are *
them : nice weather
me : thanks
Therapist: *pulls up in a brand new Mercedes*
Me: You’re welcome