What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
kitchen magnet
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”