What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.


[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out


Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.


God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long


Caterpillar: how long God


Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.


If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?


Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.


me : * dont let them know how awkward you are *

them : nice weather

me : thanks


Therapist: *pulls up in a brand new Mercedes*

Me: You’re welcome