What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Blew my mind.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.