@junejuly12

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

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@aparnapkin

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

@HeMightBeJason

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.

@Lexi__Alexandra

A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@simoncholland

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

@squirrel74wkgn

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.