What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*