@junejuly12

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

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@ElgatoEsmio

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

@EyalTweet

As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

@UnFitz

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

@Darlainky

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

@justsomegirl81

Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@jessokfine

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.