Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Remember folks 😂
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
ACED my prostate exam!
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I hope this email finds you in a well
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.