@SamGrittner

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

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@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

@timdonakowski

Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.

@UnFitz

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

@existentialcoms

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

@SteveKoehler22

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

@Iwriteforcats

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?