what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

You Might Also Like


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.


Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”


Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.


[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.


What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!


The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?