what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Canadian owl: Eh?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan