What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.