@StevieKnip

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

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@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@kornelski

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

@JoeCharles119

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@LnL245

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

@jazmasta

[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”

@MizzTangles

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*