What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.