@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

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@trentistweeting

The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

@ItsMeHelenMary

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

@hunbothered

I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@NoogsCorner

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”