What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You Might Also Like
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Did my cat write this
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.