Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.