Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it