I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My patience has stretch marks.