What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.