What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

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My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.


Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.


A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole


[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.


Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.


You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably