My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
A Smart car Zoomed past me
And vanished into a pothole
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably