@Home_Halfway

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

You Might Also Like

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@wolfpupy

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@LurkAtHomeMom

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

@trentistweeting

“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now

@AnkCoupleTO

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

@batkaren

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

@AristotlesNZ

Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
vs
“I cashier at KFC”