*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
H2: Incurable virus?
H3: A cameraphone
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*gets eaten by a shark*
At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”
Dont lie about your job, just word it better.
Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
“I cashier at KFC”