what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.