What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet