@TheBeerGuy_

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

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@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

@iwearaonesie

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

@david8hughes

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna