My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”
*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna