@TheBeerGuy_

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

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@just1fool

*Drives by train wreck*

Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”

@ericarhodes

If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”

@capnwatsisname

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

@dixonshuman

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

@SirEviscerate

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

@Jared_Wade

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

@bfrosty04

Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.

@johnistoasted

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc