*Drives by train wreck*
Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
You Might Also Like
If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Drinking alone last week
– i “have a problem”
Drinking alone today at 11 am
– saving your nana’s life
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc