@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

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@BareChesty

I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

@SteveSuckington

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.

My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip