I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Never related to something so much.
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out
Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.
My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip