what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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yea so i messed up lol
Coffee is ready.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”