what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
accurate
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
What even happened today?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”