What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!