What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

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2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you


5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands


Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.


My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.


I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.


In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.


So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience


My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.


Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.