@CatsForDinnerz

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

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@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@hogrider05

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

@DevilryFun

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

@ericONEderful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

@JRehling

So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience

@GalaxyofGhosts

My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.