@Just__J0

What idiot said 2021 can’t get here fast enough?

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@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@ArfMeasures

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

@MouthOfSass

Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.

@Cheeseboy22

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@neiltyson

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.