With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
This meeting could have been a cake
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*