I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can