I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.