@humanaaron

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

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@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

@YourDailyGroan

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@hansmollman

Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure