Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure