Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?
Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.