@dwaghalter

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

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@IchBin_Rob

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@Sarcasmo718

My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she’s a rapper.

@jonnysun

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

@senderblock23

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

@bouncingblonde

Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?

@revraum

Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks