@dwaghalter

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

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@noneofyours99

I just realized
All italian foods and drinks end in an “I”

Ravioli
Calamari
Spaghetti
Peach bellini
Manicotti
Biscotti
Lasagnai

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@prufrockluvsong

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

@pattymo

In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.