What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You Might Also Like
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.