@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

@hippieswordfish

I condemn the archaic Mother’s Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest

@stonedcoldlazy

Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.

@Miniwheats2012

If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.

@chuuew

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

@UnFitz

My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”