@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

@AnkCoupleTO

Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*

@UberFacts

The CIA tried using cats as spies in the 1960s.

After five years and over $20 million spent training these spy cats, they were unsuccessful.

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@juanadog

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?