CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.