@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@ibid78

Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

@murrman5

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

@thedad

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

@buhsbaby_baby

I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.

@TheUnseenMe

You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@highkeylost

police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me

@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom