@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@thedadvocate01

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@Gupton68

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

@girl_a_whirl

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@momTruthBomb

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

@BigJDubz

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@mommajessiec

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.