What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed


I condemn the archaic Mother’s Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest


Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.


If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.


JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape


My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.


I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”