What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.


Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream


if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?


Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore


I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.


You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.



7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.


police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me


Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom