[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.
1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.