What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?


I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.


My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.


Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.


Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*


The CIA tried using cats as spies in the 1960s.

After five years and over $20 million spent training these spy cats, they were unsuccessful.


Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.


*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*


ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?