Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence