What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
worst…sale…ever
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.