What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.