What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.