what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.