What if all the cashiers are married?
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
What kind of a cult is this?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.