The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?