What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
79.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist