Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My kitchen overserved me.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.