@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

You Might Also Like

@mydmac

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

@AbidaleW

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

@ka_waltz

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@Stellacopter

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.