There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.