What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.