What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
hey, alexa
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!