What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Cats (2019)
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!