What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president