@bacon_gillepic

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

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@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

@Ojasism

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@13spencer

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why

@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

@Poutymcgee

I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.

@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.