What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’