What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.


My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more


A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit


Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.


-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge


Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.


“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*


The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”


This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.